I have written some about my time in Texas.
I have written some about my return to Adam and the famous “airport scene”.
I have cleverly left out my mini break down I had the second night after Adam and I returned.
Funny one could leave out a break down.
I started this post to write about our lovely shelf we just bought (hence the photo), but God is leading me elsewhere. Maybe I can tie the shelf in…we’ll see.
So I had a wonderful time in Texas. I was ecstatic to see my husband again upon returning. We had a relaxing evening together and then the next day we were back to real life.
I began planning to clean the base boards, planning where the new book shelf would go, and debating in my mind if we should even put up drapes in the living room being that we probably won’t live here more than two years. And if we do….what color should they be???
I thought about that for quite some time, I can’t lie. I can stay up half the night just contemplating colors.
Then as my brain rolled on, I freaked out.
You see Adam was getting ready to go back to work. He was returning to his job as an International Security Technical Systems Analyst.
Yea…just TRY to say that fast.
I had spent the week before Texas preparing my resume, bringing my resume to numerous elementary schools near us, and applying to APS (ABQ School System) which is the first step in the long process in getting a job with APS. ABQ is called the land of manana (tomorrow), if that tells you anything.
So my husband was getting ready for his important job that I can’t even say without stuttering, and I was….preparing to do at least two days of laundry as I cleaned his three weeks worth of stinky clothes.
I felt unimportant.
I felt useless.
I felt skill-less.
Then the breakdown began.
I was worn out of people asking me “are you just going to stay at home? Or are you looking for a job?” I was tired of explaining the whole process.
How I THINK I want to work with bilingual students learning to read in English, how I think I have a passion for that, and I want to start substitute teaching to explore it further. If I do, then I will follow the steps to become certified to do that. I could go on to explain my love of Spanish phonetics and how Spanish vowels are so much simpler than English vowels and how confused a six year old Hispanic child must be trying to read in English after already learning the vowels in Spanish. I could go on to tell the statistics of students not learning to read fluently before 3rd grade usually drop out of school. I could go on about Latin American history or Spanish history, or the Aztecs and how I get excited about them. We could talk about the Hapsburgs and how they fascinate me but didn’t I just say I was tired?
But what I’m really tired of is the phrase “just stay at home”. It makes my stomach queasy, and I go into defense mode.
I go into Emily freak out “I have to find a job right now” mode.
This was the mode I went into during my breakdown.
Adam looked at me as I was spouting out job options and problems and what about this, and that, and that… and he said “Emily, why are you in such a hurry? Why do you have to have a job?”
I looked at him stunned that he wasn’t holding the “get a job anvil” over my head and replied “well, if I don’t have a job how will anyone know I have a skill?”
After that comment, I wanted to laugh.
My job search was about ME. It was about me not being uncomfortable answering people’s questions. It was about ME being educated, having a degree, and having a skill and people knowing it.
Where was God?
Where was God’ glory?
I was praying God bring me the right job, the job where I would be serving Him, doing what he made me to do, but I was looking for a job to glorify ME.
I started thinking about what I KNOW is truth and what I KNOW God wants me to do. Let me share:
I KNOW he wants me to:
Build my house: Proverbs 14: 1
“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down”.
Teach younger women. Yes even at the age of 23 I’m supposed to be teaching: Titus 2:3-5 (AMP)
3Bid the older women similarly to be reverent and devout in their deportment as becomes those engaged in sacred service, not slanderers or slaves to drink. They are to give good counsel and be teachers of what is right and noble,
4So that they will wisely train the young women to be [a]sane and sober of mind (temperate, disciplined) and to love their husbands and their children,
5To be self-controlled, chaste, homemakers, good-natured (kindhearted), adapting and subordinating themselves to their husbands, that the word of God may not be exposed to reproach (blasphemed or discredited).
At my young age I have been blessed to have had very WISE counsel. Living Hope Baptist Church, Sonja Olsen, my mom, Jenn Bacak and more… I’m supposed to be using that wisdom to be pouring into other women.
I’m supposed to be building the foundation of my home forever: Proverbs 24:3 (AMP)
3Through skillful and godly Wisdom is a house (a life, a home, a family) built, and by understanding it is established [on a sound and good foundation],
I should be following what Jesus did: John 17:4 (AMP)
4I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do.
He completed the work his father game him to do. Hmm, I wonder if by doing this people saw his cool skills? It doesn’t seem like Jesus was worried about HIS skills or what people said about him, he was occupied with the work of his father.
I should do all things for the glory of God: 1 Cor. 10:31 (AMP)
31So then, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you may do, do all for the honor and glory of God.
It is becoming so clear to me how silly I was. God isn’t concerned about my skills at all, even if they are cool. He is concerned about His glory.
I should be following the will of Christ for my life: 1 Thess. 5:16-18
16Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually (always);
17Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly];
18Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will].
Rejoicing always hmm…it is funny “mini breakdowns” is not listed even as a “sometimes” option.
In fact, quite the opposite is REQUIRED ALL the time.
I am to be in constant prayer: Phil. 4:6 (AMP)
6Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition ([a]definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.
Again, this whole don’t fret thing. God wants us to be worry free. What would that look like if everyone did that? Christians would stop being stressed out. We would look RADICALLY different from the stressed out world. He doesn’t want us to have break downs and cry and WORRY. He wants us to trust him and pray about everything and be joyful ALWAYS. This is hard stuff.
I feel the conviction.
I also know some clear things I’m not supposed to do: Eph. 4:31(AMP)
31Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind).
32And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you.
Useful and helpful to one another, forgiving one another freely…that is just as hard as being worry free all the time.
Wow, God has MY plate full.
But there is more: Col. 3:8-10, 12-14 (AMP)
8But now put away and rid yourselves [completely] of all these things: anger, rage, bad feeling toward others, curses and slander, and foulmouthed abuse and shameful utterances from your lips!
9Do not lie to one another, for you have stripped off the old (unregenerate) self with its evil practices,
10And have clothed yourselves with the new [spiritual self], which is [ever in the process of being] renewed and remolded into [fuller and more perfect [a]knowledge upon] knowledge after the image (the likeness) of Him Who created it.(A)
12Clothe yourselves therefore, as God's own chosen ones (His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and holy and well-beloved [by God Himself, by putting on behavior marked by] tenderhearted pity and mercy, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and] patience [which is tireless and long-suffering, and has the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper].
13Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive].
14And above all these [put on] love and enfold yourselves with the bond of perfectness [which binds everything together completely in ideal harmony].
I’m overwhelmed. There is so much I need to be working on, I need to be doing, fixing in my own heart. How silly I was to think my “job” was about my “skill”.
I still love Spanish.
I still love kids and want to help them read.
But I have been re-focused.
I see God is concerned first with my heart. My plate should always be full by praying constantly, being joyful always, lifting people up, and giving wisdom.
In my “break down” I kept telling Adam that the skills God has given me didn’t fit in a job. I kept telling him God made me to love people, to love encouraging, to love diving into others lives, to listen to their problems and offer spiritual encouragement”.
I was frustrated about these “gifts”. Why couldn’t God give me gifts that I could put on my resume?
I am so thankful I have such a loving husband who showed me my ridiculousness.
He kept asking me why I had to have a job?
I don’t have to have one. But I do have to do what the Bible says, I do have to encourage, I do have to help train women in righteousness. God has given me the gift of being good with people, the gift of loving people, and yet I complain about it because I can’t use it in a job that will show off a “skill”.
Yea…I was foolish.
I feel free now.
I feel free to be the wife the Bible calls me to be.
Prov. 19:14 (AMP)
14House and riches are the inheritance from fathers, but a wise, understanding, and prudent wife is from the Lord.(A)
I feel free to set out to become wiser in order to be the gift from the Lord that He wants me to be to Adam. Having any cool “skill” with a cool job title won’t bring that. But being wise, understanding, and prudent will.
I don’t know what lies ahead of me in the job field.
I’m not anti- helping children to read now.
But I am pro supporting my husband.
What God calls me to do in the home is not useless.
It is a gift.
I am now trying to consume myself with what I KNOW God calls me to do and let the job he places in front of me come about in his timing not in my frantic search to be “skilled”.
I haven’t even begun to dive in to the fact that God calls us to take care of the orphans, the elderly, and always be hospitable.
I now feel like my plate is full just as it is, and I’m content right where I am. I’m excited to see what else God brings, whatever it is!
One thing I am sure of is that what he brings me to do job-wise or ministry-wise will to bring him glory. He wants to use my “skills” and gifts yes, that is why he gave them to me. But he wants to use them for his glory and not for my own sake of having a “skill”.
I guess, simpler put…it isn’t about me.
Thanks to everyone especially every woman who has obeyed God’ word and trained ME. I cannot say it enough. Mom, Sonja, Jenn and classes like her Her Hands and Countdown (at living hope) strive to do exactly what the Bible says and train younger women in righteousness.
Oh, and the book shelf. Enjoy the photo…there is more to come:).
Welcome to the Wonderful World of the Williams...
Team Williams lives so "...that you may be filled with the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:19